	Sign In Sign-Up

~NiroScene: The Fun, The Wacky And The Truly Trivial~

~The Fun, The Wacky And The Truly Trivial

Updated 5/10/01

If you appreciate the irony of Erik Estrada doing local TV commercials for a "prepaid telephone service" called "Smoke Signal Communications." then you'll feel right at home here. [And if you didn't get the dual irony, "Ponch's" career lasted exactly two minutes short of a 17~minute prepaid phone card and "smoke signals" are how Erik actually communicates in general.] PS: "Ponch" is looking a lot more like "Paunch" these days.

One more: have you ever considered the certainty that, had William Peter Blatty's most excellent "The Exorcist" failed miserably both in book and film form, we'd never have even heard of Stephen King? Or worse: had to watch the TV movies based on his works? Sometimes They Come Back. And Back. And... well, you sniff the aroma.

So here are the horror genre begats: Edgar Allan Poe begat H.P. Lovecraft who begat Shirley Jackson, who begat Richard Matheson, who begat Rod Serling, who begat William Peter Blatty, who begat Stephen King, who begat the awful Dean Koontz, who gratefully begat the greatest of all of the latter~day horror writers: the perfect Clive Barker (despite his films: read his works)...

And speaking of Clive Barker ~ let's move forward, shall we? On to the violence!

The Best Hockey Fight I've Seen

Darren McCarty vs. Claude "The Turtle" Lemieux: March 26, 1997; Joe Louis Arena

The Funniest Men Alive

Homer J. (Jay) Simpson (and Matt Groening), Chris Rock, Richard Jeni, Dennis Miller & Mark Ramsey

And Speaking of Comedy

Can someone please explain to me how, when Ellen DeGeneres outs herself as a lesbian, the TV viewing public is appalled. And this at the same time the still~un-outed but clearly a lesbian ~ the lamentable and extremely obnoxious Rosie ("Look! Here's another picture of my adorable adopted kid!") O'Donnell ~ is considered America's TV sweetheart? Sheesh. Wake up, folks.

Most Shameless Attempt To Save A Company From An Antitrust Conviction

Bill Gates' First~Ever TV Spots, Which Began 4/6/00 [And Failed]

The Club Manager Who Had My Band Beaten Up

Pictures Of Kathy With A Wet Top [Revealing Her Best Features]

The Most Irritating Spokes~Animal On TV

That Stupid AFLAC Duck

Close Second: Priceline.com's Octagenarian, Captain James T. Shatner; the damned Chihuahua from fhe Taco Bell ads removed due to retirement

The Worst~Dressed Golfer On The PGA Tour

David Duval

OK, so we all know about "The Man in Black" thing, but come on, Dave ~ how come you spend most of your time chasing "The Man Who Is Black [or at least Pan~Asian Black]," Tiger Woods? Didn't Gary Player already perfect that MIB routine 30 years ago, while his country was killing as every single MWIB as possible, pre~apartheid? Or was that just the South African remake of Birth of a Nation? Plus, you look like a bonier version of PHANTASM's "The Tall Man," Angus Scrimm for cripes' sake. And what exactly is up with those shades? I mean, you wear them even when it's raining! PS: how do get those suckers to stay on your face? Is it really just that long narrow, white~ass beak of yours? After all, those glasses have no stems! Whatcha usin' there, Double D, the same stuff Jennifer Lopez used on her dress to hide her headlights at the Golden Globes? And double~speaking of... ahem, "golden globes"...

The Most Provocative Woman In Cinema This Side Of Ashley Judd

A Famed Niro~Scan of The Luscious Cameron Diaz

As Mark Ramsey noted in an email to me: "My goodness, she seems to have a penis!" Ummm, if that's a penis, Mark, Dave Duval has some specs he can lend you ;)

Watch These TV Shows: They're Funny!

The Simpsons, That '70s Show, Dennis Miller Live, The Chris Rock Show and 75% of each Friends episode; also try to catch HBO's The Larry Sanders Show re-runs when they're on

Ignore This One: It Sucks!

Multiple Unwarranted Emmy winner, 3rd Rock From The Sun (extra screams at their creators for stealing the title from a Rod Serling tale and a great Jimi Hendrix tune)

Lawrence Welk Syndrome: Why Are These Shows Still On TV?

Matlock, Diagnosis: Murder

Most Ironic Government Building Name

The J. Edgar Hoover Building

Also~Ran (and Ran and Ran): The Ronald Reagan Federal Building; Ronnie spends his entire political life purportedly trying to rid America of "big government" and what does Congress do? Build a gigantic government building to commemmorate his "legacy." This is a structure even Reagan would've vetoed on principle.

Most Dubious Celebrity Offer To Assist The U.S. Govt.

Elvis Presley: As A "Special" Drug Enforcement Agent

Runner~Up: Frank Sinatra's offer to infiltrate the Communist Party as an informant for the FBI

Amusing or Interesting Areas Where Much Time May Be Wasted ;}

F-Secure's Hoax Warning & Virus Warning Look-Up (PLEASE GO HERE before emailing chain letters)

SpywareBlaster: Prevent Installs of Xupiter, Hotbar & other Spyware FREE

SpyBot: Get Rid of Xupiter, Hotbar & other Spyware FREE (AFTER they've been installed on your PC)

Excellent Netscape FAQ: Free Help for Fixing Netscape 6.0 Problems

The Degrees of Kevin Bacon: Literally Unbelievable Bacon Lookup

WDET~FM: Among the Finest Radio Stations in America [NPR & Superior Music] ~ Listen Online and Hear for Yourself

Movie Juice! Mark Ramsey's Hilariously Irreverent Film Site

The Simpsons File!

The Guillotine Headquarters [several misspellings & poor grammar but where else can you see how the guillotine was made?]

No image on this page may be used without the express written consent of me. If you'd like to add any of these photos to your site, or publish any of them, please click just below the mailbox above and tell me why...